Raising the Perfect Child through Guilt and Manipulation - Elizabeth Beckwith

This guest review comes from my sweet cousin, Kalea Christman, mother of two under two and therefore wholly qualified to write her own parenting guide. 

Summary: Raising the Perfect Child Through Guilt and Manipulation is not one of those traditional, all-too-earnest parenting guides that, for generations, have sucked all the fun out of child rearing. The foundation of Elizabeth Beckwith's Guilt and Manipulation family philosophy is simple: We do things a certain way, and everyone else is an @**#&!$.   Is that something you should put on a bumper sticker and slap on your minivan? Of course not—that would be trashy. But in the privacy of your own home, you can employ the essential components of Guilt and Manipulation to mold the little runts ruthlessly yet effectively into children you won't be embarrassed to admit are yours. (Summary and cover from amazon.com - Image from usedbooks.co.nz ).

My Review:  I originally wanted to read the book based on its title. But as we all know, you can't judge a book by it's cover. What I thought would be a fun parenting book turned out to be a spoof on parenting books.

The author considers herself conservative and says that she gets uncomfortable if anybody brings up the subject of sex. I found that inconsistent with the fact that there is at least one swear word per page (including the “F” word in one story), that she explicitly describes what Las Vegas Show girls do to each other onstage, and brings up sexual topics throughout the whole thing.

It did, however, have a few redeeming qualities. There were times that it was laugh-out-loud funny. It also had some gems of parenting advice, like:

• Don't tell your kids that if they don't turn off the TV, you'll through it out the window, unless you really intend on doing it. She harped on consistency, which is crucial in parenting.
• Explain to your kids that the reason why they need to hold your hand when crossing the street is because if they don't, they could get hit by a car and die. So many parents sugarcoat the severity of certain consequences instead of being honest.
• Make your home into a comfortable haven with good food and team-building activities so that it's a place they want to be.

I've read other reviews on it and it seems as though there are two takes on it. Either you love it, or you wanted to love it, but hated it.

My Rating: 2 stars

Sum it up: A sarcastic spoof on parenting books with some good advice sprinkled here and there.

All My Friends Are Dead - Avery Monsen & Jory John

Today's review comes from my delinquent brother, Matthew Irving.   He fights fires seasonally, takes amazing pictures, and travels the world for the sole purpose of making me exceedingly jealous.  He's very good at all of it.   However, when he contacted me the other day about a book that he wanted to review, I was hesitant.  I mean, I've read his blog and so my conscience forced me to give him a few guidelines. 1) Punctuate and capitalize.  2) Do not use any form of the word "effing".  If any of our readers gravitate toward the sporadically punctuated, intentionally un-capitalized, effing-laden prose, then feel free to head on over to Matt's Blog of Negativity where sarcasm reigns supreme, snickering is second-nature, and you can read his thoughts on such diverse topics as Sarah Palin's new reality show, Sun chips, and sperm shoes, just to name a few. 

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Summary:  If you're a dinosaur, all of your friends are dead. If you're a pirate, all of your friends have scurvy. If you're a tree, all of your friends are end tables. Each page of this laugh-out-loud illustrated humor book showcases the downside of being everything from a clown to a cassette tape to a zombie. Cute and dark all at once, this hilarious children's book for adults teaches valuable lessons about life while exploring each cartoon character's unique grievance and wide-eyed predicament. From the sock whose only friends have gone missing to the houseplant whose friends are being slowly killed by irresponsible plant owners (like you), All My Friends Are Dead presents a delightful primer for laughing at the inevitable.  (Summary and Image from borders.com)

My Review: All My Friends are Dead is a pseudo-children's book that is incredibly difficult to summarize, but apparently Borders (see above) did a pretty good job of it. Unfortunately, I'm a busy man (not really) and I'm sure the person who summarized the book spent hours wracking their brain in order to come up with it (they probably didn't). This awesome book is a book about life, death and other things dying, but its overlying aim is to make you laugh, more than anything. What makes it so funny is its blatant sarcasm, as well as its illustrations. For some reason, they hit the funny nerve right where it needs to be hit. It uses the illustrations in order to create an atmosphere of awkward pauses. It is very much my type of sarcasm and the awkward pauses are priceless.

All My Friends Are Dead is definitely a book worth owning and a steal at $10.00, but if you're too cheap or you have different priorities, like children, driving to the library to rent it would be a worthwhile trip.  On that note, it's $10.00!  Don't eat at McDonald's for lunch -- buy the book instead.  Or sell plasma.  Do what you have to in order to get your mitts on this book. Here's another book review that probably does a better job of describing it, or you can visit the book website where you can read the first few pages of the book.  Hopefully, you'll see why it's nearly impossible to describe.
 
My Rating:  I'd give it 5 Stars, but know that my sense of humor is probably a little morbid, so maybe a 4.5 for "normal" people.
 
Sum it up: If you love sarcastic humor and awkward pauses as well as a few dozen excellently illustrated characters, you'll love this book. Because it's so short, it can be used as a coffee table book and I'd encourage it. If everyone in the world could read this book once, it would make my day.
 
PS.  To read what Matt really thinks of this book, click here.

The Rules : A Man's Guide to Life - Esquire Magazine

Summary: Deeply buried in the stacks of Esquire's research library is a leather-bound tome engraved with two simple words: The Rules. On the third Tuesday of every month, an Esquire staff member delves into the tome and returns to the office with several wise maxims to offer our faithful readers. The rules run the gamut of the code of human conduct, from things athletic to things epicurean to things feminine and things masculine. Here's a complete collection of this plenitude of wisdom, with a few new ones thrown in, gathered in one authoritative volume.

The rules contained herein are general truths to many facets of a man's life. They provide a way--through advice or humor--to getting through most of it, one rule at a time. (Summary from book - Image from amazon.com)

My Review: I found this book at Goodwill and, since it claims to be “rules that apply to every man’s life,” it should be no surprise that I read most of it out loud to my husband so that I could gauge his reaction. There were times when we were both laughing so hard it was a struggle to finish the “rule,” and others when scratched our heads in dismay. Esquire maintains that they found the original leather-bound, handwritten copy of this book in their research department and that no one knows who wrote it. If the above is true, and not just a publicity stunt, then I’m a little intrigued by who the author might be and how they set about writing these rules. Esquire claims that all the rules are “true” even though it’s fairly obvious they’re being facetious.

Here’s a handful of rules just to give you an idea of what to expect from the book:

• A relaxed dress code at work does not legitimize the display of leg hair or chest hair.
• The day that the New York Times referred to Snoop Doggy Dogg on second reference as Mr. Dogg was the day the whole formal news outlet edifice began to crumble.
• Reaching over to flush another man’s urinal is universally frowned upon.
• There is no historical basis for Count Chocula.
• There is no shame in cinnamon toast. There is, however, ample shame in eating a Lean Cuisine entrée at home, alone, pantless, while watching television. Look at yourself, man. Just look at yourself.
• A complicated coffee order impresses no one.
• Satan loves parents who give young children rat-tail haircuts.
• The only thing more important than saying “No, you don’t look fat in that outfit” when she ask you the first time is the deep sincerity with which you must say “Really” when she asks you the second time.
• The best number is 7, followed closely by 9.
• Love does not mean never having to say you’re sorry. It means having to say you’re sorry over and over again, in new and different ways, every day, every week, every month, even when you don’t want to, every year, until God grants you his mercy and you finally, blissfully die.

Esquire’s rules are a mish-mash of humor, candid, and bizarre regulations for being a man--many even make alarmingly clever Facebook statuses (Oh, I do intend to use a few). While I won’t say that I would recommend this book because of the profanity and light-minded humor, I’m sure that many less finicky people would enjoy this book.

My Rating: 3 Stars. For the sensitive reader: There is some swearing (including the f-bomb), discussion of sex, and other “guy” humor.

Sum it up: At 517 rules and 185 pages, it’s the kind of book you can read in a single sitting, laugh a bit, and walk away without looking back.

Nightlight : A Parody - The Harvard Lampoon

Summary: About three things I was absolutely certain.

First, Edward was most likely my soul mate, maybe.

Second, there was a vampire part of him--which I assumed was wildly out of his control--that wanted me dead.

And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, and impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he had kissed me.

And thus Belle Goose falls in love with the mysterious and sparkly Edwart Mullen in the Harvard Lampoon's hilarious send-up.

Pale and klutzy, Belle, arrives in Switchblade, Oregon, looking for adventure, or at least an undead classmate. She soon discovers Edwart, a super-hot computer nerd with zero interest in girls. After witnessing a number of strange events--Edwart leaves his Tator Tots untouched at lunch! Edwart saves her from a flying snowball!--Belle has a dramatic revelation: Edwart is a vampire. But how can she convince Edwart to bite her and transform her into his eternal bride, especially when he seems to find girls so repulsive?

Complete with romance, danger, insufficient parental guardianship, creepy stalker like behavior, and a vampire prom, Nightlight is the uproarious tale of a vampire-obsessed girl, looking for love in all the wrong places. (Summary from book - Image from io9.com - Book from a friend)

My Review: If you are one of the many people that hate all things Twilight, then you might want to throw a little party to celebrate the merciless laceration of Meyer's first book at the hands of the Harvard Lampoon. Instead of star-crossed lovers Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, Nightlight is about Belle Goose, a certifiably insane girl that just thinks every guy wants her, and Edwart Mullen, a pasty-white, germophobic computer geek hopped up on anti-anxiety meds.

Reading Nightlight was like trying to keep up with the mind (and body) of a toddler--it was constantly shifting from one thing to another and back again with zero warning. Every paragraph was filled with the crazy, random, and absurd. The parts I liked best were when the writers blatantly ridiculed the movie or the book – like mocking Meyer’s use of blank pages to convey emptiness, or Edwart and Belle staring at each other for five hours in a picturesque meadow. They even went so far as to take some lines directly from the movie or book and set them in strange context (ie. “AS IF YOU COULD OUT RUN ME!”). Let’s admit it. That part in the movie was pretty darn lame and Harvard Lampoon mocked it to the fullest extent and with my admiration.

My biggest disappointment was the ommision of a central character (several, actually, but one in particular) – Jacob. There were a few remarks about werewolves and one reference to a “Team Jacob”, but no character that was supposed to mock the teenage mutant ninja werewolf that is Jacob Black. I mean, what, because he’s Native American, the Harvard Lampoon is too afraid to poke fun? What a bunch of wusses.

Other than some clever and humorous moments, Nightlight was nothing worth waiting in long lines for, unless it's your life's ambition to make fun of all things Twilight. If so, Harvard Lampoon beat you to it. Time to find a new dream.

My Rating: 2.9 Stars. A "3" just didn't feel right. Other people have loved it, so I suggest you gauge your tolerance for the randomly absurd and go from there. For the sensitive reader: If you still want to read it, go ahead. I think there was only one swear word in the entire book (of the OMG variety).

Sum it up: Twilight meets The Twilight Zone – if The Twilight Zone were less creepy and suffering from a severe case of ADHD.

The Totaled Woman : True Slices of Life from a Mother of Five - Marcia Veldhuis

Summary: Everyone knows that life happens--the secret is finding God at work through it all!

Comprising individual true stories, The Totaled Woman shares the challenges and joys from a mother's perspective in a home with five precocious children and a brilliant (if impractical) scientist husband. Marcia Veldhuis looks beyond the crisis of the moment and finds the lessons that God would have. Enter into the joy, sorrow, hilarity, and difficulty of each unbelievable situation. (Image and summary from BringItOn Communications)

My Review: Hallelujah! Picking up The Totaled Woman was a breath of fresh air in a room full of stinky review copies. I've picked some losers lately, to be sure, but this one wasn't one of them. All I can say is, thank heavens for mothers like Marcia Veldhuis! She made me laugh when I desperately needed to. I took great pleasure in reading each “slice” of her demanding yet wonderful, chaotic yet joyous, tiring yet faith-filled life. Her short stories, rarely more than a page in length, were frequently amusing, only occasionally heartbreaking, and always relatable. I fell more in love with this woman, her life, and her family with each turn of the page.

Whether Marcia is dealing with grumpy neighbors, bizarre late-night visitors, an absent-minded husband, or some seriously troublesome animals her short stories manage to be uplifting without being “preachy” and were often, but not always, accompanied by a sentence or two at the end that, ever so gently, gave a deeper spiritual meaning to her experience. These little moments taught more, in my opinion, than a library full of doctrine as she taught by her humble example how to pull divine meaning from the smallest moments and see God’s hand in our lives and in our families.

I am certain that I have many such experiences in my future while I attempt to raise my young family and can only hope and pray for the same perspective that Marcia embraces throughout this book.

My Rating: 4.25 Stars

Sum it up: A simple, unaffected and delightful slice of (her) family life.

*Note to Marcia* There is no way (barring meth addiction) that, at thirty, you looked old enough to be your children’s grandmother. Rest assured, that lady was just plain out of her mind. Oh, and the owl story was real HOOT! (Sorry, I absolutely could not resist).

Why I Hate Straws - Barry Parham

Summary: Barry Parham unleashes this set of satire, humor, and indignations. His perorations poke at family, dating, politics, culture, good and bad decisions, and ferrets. (Summary from back of book - Image from amazon.com - Book received for review from the author )

My Review: I had a very hard time with this book – so much, in fact in the interest of full disclosure I must say that I didn’t finish it. I hate not finishing a book, so to be a fair reviewer I gave this 236-page book until page 121 to redeem itself. It didn’t. This is my review of what I read. Take it for what you will.

Parham’s humor is so offbeat as to be off-putting. Most of his articles read like coked-out, overly ambitious MadLibs. Sort of along these lines : "Billy Bob's father’s grandsons half-brother’s mom went to the (insert imaginary location) and from her peripheral vision saw (insert famous figure with hunting rifle) who was standing on his/her head while protesting the (insert vague political reference and mention a ferret).” I wish I were kidding. The majority of his columns are so full of absurdity and tangents, they are sure to be nearly incoherent to the average reader.

There were a few parts of this book that, while I remain unimpressed, I found more tolerable than others. His article on big box stores was accurate, I think we can all agree on his comments about health insurance companies (Evil, Inc.), and “A Day in the Life” was an island of insightful commercial commentary in a sea of random mutterings.

Other than these sporadic moments of lucidity and insight, I didn’t enjoy this book (or the half of it that I read, anyway). Oh sure, there was sarcasm and indignation in spades and I cracked a smile or two, but I wasn’t nearly as entertained as I expected to be. Most of the time I just stared the page, forcing the words into my brain, perplexed as to why anyone would find these types of scatterbrained observations print-worthy.

Sidenote: To be fair to Mr. Parham, who has received awards for some of these articles and was kind enough to send me an autographed copy of this book, I’m going to send my copy off to Dan and see what he makes of it. I am just one kind of reader and Dan is probably my polar opposite. I’m fairly certain he would describe his sense of humor as “offbeat” and might offer a better, more positive, perspective on this particular book. His review (should he choose to write one) will be posted here as well.

My Rating: 1 Star

Sum it up: Not what I expected - and not in a good way.

A Dirty Job - Christopher Moore

Summary: Charlie Asher is a pretty normal guy. A little hapless, somewhat neurotic, sort of a hypochondriac. He’s what’s known as a Beta Male: the kind of fellow who makes his way through life by being careful and constant—you know, the one who’s always there to pick up the pieces when the girl gets dumped by the bigger/taller/stronger Alpha Male.

But Charlie’s been lucky. He owns a building in the heart of San Fransisco, and runs a secondhand store with the help of a couple of loyal, if marginally insane, employees. He’s married to a bright and pretty woman who actually loves him for his normalcy. And she, Rachel, is about to have their first child.

Yes, Charlie’s doing okay for a Beta Male. That is, until the day his daughter, Sophie, is born. Just as Charlie—exhausted from the birth—turns to go home, he sees a strange man in mint-green golf wear at Rachel’s hospital bedside, a man who claims that no one should be able to see him. But see him Charlie does, and from here on out, things get really weird. . . .

People start dropping dead around him, giant ravens perch on his building, and it seems that everywhere he goes, a dark presence whispers to him from under the streets. Strange names start appearing on his nightstand notepad, and before he knows it, those people end up dead, too. Yup, it seems that Charlie Asher has been recruited for a new job, an unpleasant but utterly necessary job: Death. It’s a dirty job. But hey, somebody’s gotta do it. (Summary from book - image from harpercollins.com)

My Review: As a reader, I’m pretty jaded. Far too often, I’ve been disappointed when books that came highly recommended turned out to be the same tired plots, flat characters, and hack writing as a thousand other bestsellers destined for the recycle bin. So when A Dirty Job was recommended to me almost five years ago (thanks, Becca!), I mentally filed it under “Maybe if I get really bored,” despite my respect for the recommender’s taste. Now I am kicking myself for wasted time, and running out to get every other Christopher Moore book I can get my hands on.

It’s hard to pick out the best aspects of this book, because from the first paragraph to the Author’s Note at the end, the entire thing is handled with finesse and twisted wit. Christopher Moore has a gift for characterization, and where most novels have a hard time making even the protagonist real and three-dimensional, A Dirty Job overflows with believable, breathing human (and otherworldly) characters whose lives and personalities continue to develop and deepen throughout the story.

The plot itself is a circus sideshow of bizarre twists, razor-sharp transitions, and increasing tension, all delivered in a deadpan voice that can switch from the pathos of a loved one’s funeral with unaffected sincerity, to a scene involving a 14-inch tall undead crocodile-headed assassin in a black silk tuxedo, without missing a beat. Page by page, A Dirty Job builds a world that is equal parts macabre humor, over-the-top insanity, and real life, so convincing and darkly seductive that even after the book is done you want to remain there, in Mr. Moore’s beautiful freakshow.

My Rating: 5 stars. Rated R for language, sexuality, demonic sexuality, violence, demonic violence, mature themes, infantile themes, and incredibly warped humor.

Sum it up: Black comedy at its best. Don’t let the high recommendation fool you—this is one to read immediately.

Musings on Minutiae - Weston Locher

Summary: Humorous Essays, Anecdotes, & Childhood Memories

Welcome to Weston Locher's Musings on Minutiae where the author offers up hilarious observations and insights on topics of great importance such as...

Living in an urban apartment complex - "...if I become an admitted pet owner, then I have to pay not only a several hundred dollar deposit to the apartment complex, but I'm pretty sure that they also reserve the right to harvest some of my bodily organs..."

Living with felines - "...as I'm walking anywhere in my apartment. They scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I'm carrying piping hot coffee."

Childhood Memories - "Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as 'too long.'"

Chock full of humorous essays and personal anecdotes, Musings on Minutiae will keep you laughing for as long as you have a pulse.
cover photo from http://musingsonminutiae.com and summary from the back of the book

My Review: I was thrilled to receive this book comprised of short, humorous tales free for review. Within this small publication, Locher finds humor in everything from childhood to work to relationships to apartment living and even his pets. It promises to keep the reader laughing.

Musings on Minutiae is composed of several types of comedy. There are those stories that are easy to relate to leaving the reader laughing out loud. While other tales are more the "you-had-to-have-been-there" variety which merely induce a smile. Sprinkled throughout are everyday accounts in which witty Weston is able to portray immense amounts of humor by skewing the angle. Life's most mundane moments would be delightfully entertaining with Weston Locher around.

This book is ideal when consumed in small doses. The three to five page chapters make this the perfect bathroom book. Just don't be surprised when you hear chuckling behind that closed door.

My Rating: 3.5 Stars

To Sum it up: A fun, easy read guaranteed to leave you with a smile.

The Titan's Curse - Rick Riordan

Also reviewed by Mindy.

Summary: When Percy Jackson gets an urgent distress call from his friend Grover, he immediately prepares for battle. He knows he will need his powerful demigod allies, Annabeth and Thalia, at his side, his trusty bronze sword Riptide, and...a ride from his mom.

The demigods rush to the rescue to find that Grover has made an important discovery: two powerful half-bloods whose parentage is unknown. But that's not all that awaits them. The titan lord Kronos has devised his most treacherous plot yet, and the young heroes have just fallen prey.

They're not the only ones in danger. An ancient monster has arisen — one rumored to be so powerful it could destroy Olympus — and Artemis, the only goddess who might know how to track it, is missing. Now Percy and his friends, along with the Hunters of Artemis, have only a week to find the kidnapped goddess and solve the mystery of the monster she was hunting.

Along the way, they must face their most dangerous challenge yet: the chilling prophecy of the titan's curse. (Summary from Powells.com and image from runjeanrun.wordpress.com)

My Review: This was a refreshing read. The characters are growing up, twists and turns abound, more Greek mythology is explored, and it's at the right reading level to capture the attention of adolescent readers. As a middle school teacher, I LOVE it!

I thoroughly love Riordan's humor. Maybe it's because I'm a middle school teacher and that says more about me than it does about the books, but he's seriously funny. My favorite part in this book was the Dam problems. He really ran with that one--the dam snack bar, the dam elevator, the dam parking lot. He manages to mix action/adventure with humor and history--a perfect combination to make a great story.

The second in this series left me needing a break, but this one had me craving more. I can't wait to get my hands on the next book in the series. My students say the last book is the best; I can't express just how happy I am to have a series that keeps me wanting more!

Rating: 4.25 Stars

Sum it up: The middle of what is looking to be a great climax of a story!

Bitter is the New Black - Jen Lancaster

Summary: This is the story of a how a haughty former sorority girl went from having a household income of almost a quarter-million dollars to being evicted from a ghetto apartment...

It's a modern Greek tragedy, as defined by Roger Dunkle in The Classical Origins of Western Culture: a story in which "the central character, called a tragic protagonist or hero, suffers some serious misfortune which is not accidental and therefore meaningless, but ais significant in that the misfortune is logically connected."

In other words. [She]..had it coming. (Summary from back of book - Image from amazon.co.uk)

My review: I went into this book with fairly high expectations. Quite a few people, including the illustrious Kari, have really enjoyed it and so I figured I was probably in for a good time. At the end of the first chapter I thought they were all completely nuts – stark raving lunatics who’d lost all good-reading sense. I hated Jen. HATED her. She was a self-centered, profane, vapid little debutante who I’m fairly certain I would loathe if, in fact, we had the pleasure of meeting in real life (and I think the feeling would probably be mutual). The only thing that kept me reading was that I was actually kind of looking forward to the Greek-tragedy-demise she had promised was in her future. Jen was right. She totally had it coming and I was going to revel in it.

No one was more surprised than me when, after a few chapters, Jen actually began to grow on me. I started to notice things—beyond her outward shallowness and mixed up priorities—like her work ethic, basic integrity, and dedicated commitment to her longstanding boyfriend, Fletch (whom I love). It was bizarre. How could this girl that seemed so unbelievably superficial actually have me caring what happened to her, rooting for her to succeed, and raging over the many injustices she suffers? I’m still not entirely certain that I know the answer to that one, but I think it had something to do with watching Jen’s oh-so gradual transformation from society snob to real-life girl. She retained all of her sarcasm and wit, but lost a lot of the snotty fashionista that was so aggravating, and I connect with her character more than I expected (or would care to admit).

Jen says what 90% of the world probably thinks but politely keeps to themselves. She has no filter whatsoever, and isn’t afraid to get in someone’s face or tell them her opinion, which leads me to my next point and a discussion of what, for me, were the more negative aspects of the book. Jen is every bit the crass, sarcastic, foul-mouthed little spitfire that she proclaims to be. She is not exaggerating. If swearing bothers you, you will not like this book from page one. Also, she used footnotes that I felt were unnecessary and distracting. I kept forgetting they were there until I’d already read the entire page and then had to re-read it to find out where her little offside remarks fit in to the story. Finally, Jen states at the beginning of the book that she had "taken a few liberties for the purpose of moving the story forward." This left me questioning the book's veracity. While Jen guarantees that she was "that bad," the fact that she took any liberties at all within the story made me wonder, at random moments, if all certain things really did happen to the extent that she described.

Overall, this book was not the be all, end all of funny chick lit for me but I did chuckle, snort (shut up), and all out laugh at many of Jen’s misadventures and misfortunes (can you say Adult Entertainment Expo?). While I enjoyed the read, I likely will not be keeping the book and will only be recommending it to those friends I know won’t be bothered by Jen’s creative use of language.

My Rating: 4 Stars

Sum it up: Like watching America's Funniest Home videos. You know something bad is going to happen and you can't help but wait for it, watch, and then laugh when it does. And then you feel a little bad about laughing.

The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance : A Memoir - Elna Baker

This review comes to us from guest contributor, Melissa Mc., over at Gerbera Daisy Diaries. Melissa Mc (aka Gerbera Daisy Mom) is a mother of 3; wife of 1; daughter, sister, friend, aunt; lover of football, politics, food, travel, walking, theatre and all things literary. She’s without talent in most normal Mormon activities – she doesn’t paint, sew, craft, scrapbook or quilt. She can be found in front of the TV during every March Madness college basketball tournament and on every Saturday during college football season. Her youngest was born with a congenital heart defect and had open heart surgery at 5 weeks. She knows more about Children’s Hospitals than she ever wanted too. And when she grows up, she wants to be the first female commissioner of the NFL.

Summary: It's lonely being a Mormon in New York City. So once again, Elna Baker attends the New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance-a virgin in a room full of virgins doing the Macarena. Her Queen Bee costume, which involves a black funnel stuck to her butt for a stinger, isn't attracting the attention she'd anticipated. So once again, Elna is alone at the punch bowl, stocking up on generic Oreos, exactly where you'd expect to find a single Mormon who's also a Big Girl. But loneliness is nothing compared to what happens when she loses eighty pounds. . . . and falls in love with an atheist.The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance is the memoir of a girl who distresses her family when she chooses NYU over BYU. A girl who's cultivating an oxymoronic identity as a bold, educated, modern, funny, proper, abstinent, religious stand-up comic, equal parts wholesome and hot. As Elna test-drives her identity, she finds herself in the strangest scenarios including selling creepy, overpriced dolls to petulant children at FAO Schwarz and dressing a head wound with a maxi pad while on a date. (summary from amazon.com - image from goodreads.com)

My review: For anyone who has experienced an LDS (Latter-day Saint) church dance, they are on the spectrum of the cheesiest thing you have ever participated in to the most magical experience of your life (however, I’ve only experienced the former and I really don’t think the latter exists). Elna Baker uses the reality of church dances as the framework for her memoir, The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance. This infamous dance is now probably the single most popular activity in all the church!

As a LDS member who has chosen NYU over BYU, Elna tries to balance two worlds: One of devout Latter-day Saint member, the other of artistic, educated, attractive young woman. Throughout the memoir we are given intimate access to Elna’s struggles: her struggles with weight, her struggles with faith, her struggles with morality and her struggles with employment. Along the ride we meet her atheist boyfriend and love of her life, “Matt,” her member boyfriend and almost fiancé, “Hayes,” and “Warren Beatty” with whom she almost has a one night stand.

Elna is an extremely talented writer. Her personal vignettes are tragic and hysterical all at the same time. She is an unexpected missionary – discussing sometimes difficult church doctrine with ease and straightforwardness and recognizes the “elephant in the room” when talking about doctrine that may seem weird to others. She is truly brave by allowing so many millions to read about her moral trespasses. I probably shouldn’t air my dirty laundry in a book review – but at times, this was a very painful book to read – I had similar experiences as a single adult (and sometimes inactive) member of the church. It was often a difficult process. I wish I could recreate my single years in such a humorous and redemptive fashion!

Thank you Elna, for sharing your life, knowledge, maturation and discoveries with us. And thank you for giving me back my reading mojo!

My Rating: 4 stars. Language and mild sexual situations.

A warning for the reader: Elna is very descriptive when describing her “flings.” She doesn’t mince words and doesn’t sugar coat her internal battles. Nor does she shy away from language that some might find inappropriate – especially for a member of the church. I, however, appreciated her candor and felt she was being true to herself. Others may not feel the same way.

Sum it up: Funny LDS woman and her search for balance and faith.

Death Mill Mansion - Will Hartzell-Baird

This review comes from our awesome guest reviewer and my friend Daniel Nighting, now father of TWO children (one of them a new-born baby girl). I can't believe he managed to actually read a book, let alone review it, on the 30 minutes of sleep a night he is likely getting.

Summary: A dark and stormy night...
As has been documented in any number of movies and books, there is a particular class of mansion that, through some indescribable means, bestows unanticipated engine/tire difficulty upon passing cars, forcing the unsuspecting occupants to knock on the door, asking to use the phone, never to be seen or heard from again. Countless motorists have been lost to these devious abodes, as well as to the mysterious mansion's close relatives, the darkened gas station and the eerily silent farm community looming unassumingly in the distance. Coincidentally, on a dark, stormy night while driving on an unfamiliar country road, Robbie inexplicably experiences car trouble... (summary from the book - image from www.hartzellbaird.com)

My Review: Few authors would like to hear their work described as being patched together from cliches and stock characters. Will Hartzell-Baird, I suspect, is one of those few. Like a sort of literary Frankenstein's monster (who, incidentally, appears in the book, along with werewolves, vampires, serial killers, mad scientists, deranged robots, and... well, pretty much everybody), Death Mill Mansion is sewn together from the hackneyed corpses of every B-movie and pulp thriller ever made.

...and like Frankenstein's monster, it's alive! ALIVE! With wry wit and keen eye for absurdity, this book breathes life into the stale tropes of the sci-fi and horror genres, deconstructing them, turning them inside-out, and piling weirdness on weirdness until the reader is sucked into an alternate dimension, the plaything of the author's warped imagination. What's more, the book does so while dancing blithely over a morass of potential plot holes, inconsistencies, and paradoxes without once falling in.*

The only failing of Death Mill Mansion, as far as I'm concerned, is the complete lack of any law-related humor.** On occasion, Hartzell-Baird seems to get carried away with a scene and lose track of the plot, but he always manages to find a bizarre new crisis (rather, a new twist to the ongoing crisis that is the plot) before the reader has a chance to lose interest. This book was so well paced that it took the birth of my new daughter to make me put it down.

*And it has footnotes, too! More novels should have footnotes.
**Read the book.

My Rating: 5 stars. An excellent book for when your reality is just too boring.

Sum it up: In some parallel universe--one with far more zombies--this is comic Shakespeare.

(this book was given to us for review)